Wednesday, February 13, 2008

All Like

So this morning, I was all like, “I wonder if the Red Eye has anything annoying in it that could be fodder for my blog.”

If you’ll remember, last year ‘round this time, I got all, “Oh no she didn’t,” when I read the Gina Spot column Don't let an over-hyped V-Day seduce you. (P.S. Apparently the Red Eye realizes how unimportant its “newspaper” is and only archives stories for two weeks; sorry no permalinks).

Now, another crackpot Red Eye columnist (where do they find these people?) has brought us this gem: What porn needs is a jolt of excitement.

Ohhhhhhhhhh…so that’s what has been missing from my porn. Excitement! Electrocution! Drop a toaster in the bathtub! And here I thought it was acting and plot lines. Well. Now I know.

I mean seriously Red Eye? Porn? WTF?

And there are quotes too! This is fun…
I was watching porn way before I started having sex, but it never hindered my actual sex life. If anything, it actually taught me a few things going in. I recommend porn for the legions of sexually active men who couldn't find their way around a woman's body.
I get it, like, “All I really need to know, I learned from porn.” Fair enough Dustin. But all the porn I’ve ever seen, which granted isn’t near the amount you apparently have in your own private collection, just has the woman (or womans) oohing and ahhing while she gets… hmmm… how best to put this?… banged. Nailed. Maybe? Probably not the best source for Getting Busy 101.

This one’s fun to:
Of course, every now and again I have to try to justify porn to folks who view it as denigrating to women… many porn actresses—Jenna Jameson, for example—make six-plus figures profiting from men's weaknesses.
How exactly is she, “profiting from men’s weaknesses?” Men’s weaknesses for fake boobs and faker orgasms? Now I know Jenna J. is all, “doing it on her own terms” and “making a fortune” and whatnot, but come on, don’t “girl power” me just because one woman has managed to make it in a male-dominated, female-exploiting industry.

This too:
After nearly two decades with porn, I honestly can say the thrill is starting to wane. I attribute that to fact that I write reviews on porn Web sites… It's not a dream job if you actually like porn—definitely not on the rare occasion that I have to review the gay stuff. I've done it for years, and at this point it's just work.
That’s a job?!?!?! You know what they say about mixing business and pleasure.

And finally…
What porn needs is an injection of forbidden excitement, like when the Pam Anderson-Tommy Lee sex tape dropped. At this point, it would take a Gabrielle Union-Lucy Liu-Alyssa Milano tape for me to prop open my eyes. If you fine actresses are reading, that's an open request.
Um. Yeah. OK. Thanks Dustin. That was… enlightening.

I mean seriously Red Eye, isn’t there an ad for a sex toy shop that could use this space?

4 comments:

@ said...

If you fine actresses are reading, that's an open request.

yep, sounds like the ol' porn addiction hasn't distorted his view of reality at all. Nope, not one bit.

Ron Jeremy said...

I heart Dustin J. Seibert.

Justin said...

Well if Dustin was losing interest in a lady's attractiveness and personality, you knew porn would be next.

Lindy said...

I've been an avid reader of the Red Eye, and I too have noticed its slide into more JUNK like this. I liked the balance of hollywood news and real news, but this stuff is tipping the scales.

At least they still have my daily dose of sudoku.