Friday, October 02, 2009

All About Me

Oh Internetz, it’s occurred to me that my blog has lost its way, strayed if you will, quite a bit from its original mission statement (something about “running,” if I remember correctly)… not to mention, my posting habits over the last six months have been less than par.

For some reason I’ve thought about this blog a lot lately, and I decided, I will never force the direction of the topics I write about, and I will never, possibly ever give it up even if I go through periods of time when I don’t post for months. Though this blog is a highly public, somewhat airbrushed version of my life, it has been really wonderful for me to be able to go through reflect on how much has changed. It’s exciting to think what I might be writing about over the next five years, 10 years.

So… this blog is incredibly self-serving.

OMG. I started school… again… because I’ve completely lost my mind. The program, if I haven’t already mentioned this, is called Writing, Rhetoric, and Discourse. Good times!
I’ll admit, I kind of thought going back to school was going to be… um… easy. Not super easy, but no big deal, one class, one night a week. I watched MM go through a master’s program while working full time, and I always said he took it all too seriously and spent way more time than I ever would studying at the freaking library and whatnot. When I assumed that going back to school would barely make a dent in my cushy little life, I failed to factor in two things:
  1. I have never gone to school and worked. Not worked full time anyway, at a real job that is. I failed to realize that with 40 hours of my week spoken for, finding the time even to half-ass my way through the program is going to be a bit trickier.
  2. I might actually like the program enough that I feel compelled to NOT half-ass my way through it.
Really, it’s no. 2 that’s making all the difference. First of all, I have to break some bad habits. I have learned in approximately 21 years of various types of schooling (geez, I should be a doctor by now) a little about diminishing returns. Basically, the more I study, the harder I work, the more minimal the improvement in my grades (the outcome). So let’s say if I do minimal work, for instance completely bullshit a 10 page paper and write it in two hours, I’ll probably end up somewhere between an A- and a B. Getting to that A doesn’t take twice as much work, it takes about 10 times more work. Worth it? Not when I’ve been completely disinterested in almost everything I’ve studied, especially and most notably at the higher levels of education.

What am I trying to say with all these words? I feel like I’m dealing with some residual “once bitten, twice shy,” feelings from my first master’s program. I am really invested in being excited about this program, about finding a career path that really makes me tick. But, now that I’m actually getting exciting about the program, I’m suspicious, as though I’m convincing myself to like it, but I really hate it.

Whatever. I’m complicated.

In the meantime, I’m changing my habits. I’m going to the library, like constantly; I’m rereading like every article and taking notes, making outlines, preparing myself to actively participate in class. I know, this is what normal people do, but it all feels so different this time.

1 comment:

Kendra said...

Wow. Making outlines? Taking notes? I did not do this during my 4 year undergrad program. I am now re-thinking graduate school