Thursday, October 04, 2012

I Am Sort Of Not Dreading Going Back to Work... At All (Yet?)

Having a baby is such a weird ass thing, when you really stop to think about it. I mean, my husband and I brought a little, helpless human bean into this world, and for three months, my only job is try to stop that kid from screaming and figure out how to make life *seem* normal again.

Maternity leave is its own little time warp where the world stops and speeds up all at the same time. As far as I'm concerned, I've been home with this baby MY ENTIRE LIFE, and in the blink of an eye, I'm going to be back at work like nothing ever happened.

That's weird, right?

I emailed my boss today to get the ball rolling on my return. I contemplated waiting another week because I didn't want to seem over-eager, but the truth is, while I don't want maternity leave to end necessarily (in theory), I'm kind of ready to go back to work.

This was unexpected. I lack career ambition at this point (Sad? Who knows anymore?) having chose work/life balance over titles/money/long hours many years ago, and I barely wanted to work prior to becoming pregnant. With the excuse of having a child, I really thought that the prospect of returning to work post-maternity leave would hang over my head like a dark cloud, and I'd sit around coming up with household budgets based on MM's salary alone and making pros and cons lists about returning to work vs. staying at home with Emme. Turns out, the thought of doing any of that stuff never even crossed my mind until right now. And I still have no desire to do them.

The truth is, I'm looking forward to going back. I love my daughter, but staying at home with her 24/7 has been somewhat of a challenge for me. It's selfishness no doubt (I'm still struggling with the whole selflessness of parenting). But I can't help but be excited for the most meaningless shit -- like to be guaranteed one meal a day that I can eat with both hands without any one screaming in the background and with nothing hanging from my boob.

It's truly the little things.

Another thing contributing to my totally relaxed attitude about returning to work is that I'm "easing in" to a full time schedule. Until January 1, I will only be working three days a week. Come January, I will be back full time for realsies. I do have a feeling that that transition will actually be harder and that three days on, four days with my baby will be a nice balance, but I'll cross that bridge if/when I come to it.

I do realize that I could end up being wrong, wrong, wrong, and I might become hysterical and try to bargain with the universe the closer I get to the reality of work, daycare, commuting, spending adequate time with Em, etc. But right now, I am really looking forward to that sandwich, eaten with two hands while chatting on the Googles, uninterrupted.

1 comment:

Lindy said...

That sums up how I felt about all of that too. And you'll have times where you likely go back and forth on the decision...mommy guilt is a b!tch...but in the end, a more balanced, sane Lou is good for everyone involved. :)