Wednesday, October 10, 2012

I Revise My Previous Statement

I was reading through a few of my posts (I do that sometimes, go ahead and judge me, whatever), and I realized that I've described just about everything surrounding pregnancy, giving birth, and having a baby as "weird." Clearly, I'm lacking words.

Anyway, I officially had my first daycare mini-meltdown on Monday night. I am still not dreading going back to work, but I realized, it's not that easy. I am dreading leaving Emme with virtual strangers. If I was able to leave her with my husband or MIL (though I think that those caretaker arrangements often come with their own special set of challenges), I'm pretty sure I might be sad to be gone for an entire day, but ultimately fine.

The truth is, I don't really know how much Emme knows. She seems like a pretty with-it baby, but what does that even mean? So on Monday night, I was crying in bed to my husband that our baby wouldn't understand that we were coming back for her. I imagine this is not the last daycare meltdown.

So there's that...

The other day, a friend of mine stopped by briefly and brought me lunch, which was awesome. She only had a few minutes, but wanted to hold Emme, so I said, "If you hold her, I'll probably try to shove some of this food in my face." So she held her, and I shoved food in my face.

As we hung out, I realized how much more engaged she was with my baby than I usually feel like I am. I also realized that when I hang out with her baby, I am way more engaged with her baby. With my baby, I'm trying to figure how to do 18 other things while holding her or while attempting to convince her that she's FINE in her bouncey seat.

It was kind of eye-opening. When it's not your kid, it's easy to ignore the fussing, the crying, the screaming, the pooping, etc. It's easy to stop for a few moments and just BE WITH THE BABY, maybe because you know it's temporary. Anyway, it made me feel bad, like I'm not focusing on Emme and just Emme enough. I don't expect to be able to do that all day, everyday, but I'm trying to make more of an effort to spend more time during the day when I focus on her and don't check my email or read the Internet or try to clean or cook or eat. I'm attempting to "play" with her now, though I will admit, I don't quite know how to play with a 10-week old (yes, 10 weeks today!).

In other news...

My sister is now literally "due any day," with MM's and my first nephew and Emme's first cousin. I am so excited for this little guy to show up! Let's go baby, we're ready for you!

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