I considered the culprits of my sheer exhaustion and subpar immune system. Was it that:
a. I am a mom of a toddler who is extremely active and being constantly tired and regularly ill is simply my new normal.
b. I am just getting back into a regular exercise routine which, in addition to my extremely active toddler, is straight up killing me physically, but it will pass as I get stronger.
c. I tried to come up with other excuses for feeling shitty and effectively ignored the fact that I had walking pneumonia for two solid weeks.If you guessed “c,” you would be correct. So the good news is that this is not the new normal. My life is not so exhausting that I have to nap every day after I put Emme to bed in order to have enough energy to face the tasks of cooking dinner and vegging out on the couch. I just had pneumonia.
The even better news is that I was so committed to getting into a healthier and happier routine this month that I didn’t let that shit stop me. Since the first full week in August--so going on four weeks now if you’re counting, and I am--I have been attending a boot camp twice a week and running (FINE--run/walking) three times a week.
And, it feels fantastic. I feel more myself than I have since giving birth, even though I didn’t realize that I didn’t feel myself until the haze of baby’s first year began to lift and the edges started coming into focus. Shortly after Emme turned 1, I stopped nursing and I haven’t looked back. I took my new found freedom and MM took on even more of the house management, which allowed me to make myself a priority for the first time in a long time.
I also realized that I spent much of this first year fighting reality, not wanting the choices I had to be the choices I had, failing to find acceptance in where I was at. I think I could have made things easier on myself if I had just been a little more accepting, made some decisions, and stopped living in the space between reality and a potential better reality that might exist.
But it’s easy to say that now, right? When you’re in it, it’s hard to see out of it.
Decisions have been made and reality has been accepted. I have decided that it’s better to move forward with imperfection and compromise and understanding than it is to stagnate in “what ifs” and fantasy scenarios. This life includes laundry and bills and annoying trips to big box stores on the weekends and a work schedule that isn’t ideal and a job that isn’t perfect. But this is it. This is life.
In other words, I’m back.